When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
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If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer