“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
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I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
#Caturday