[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
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I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]