I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
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My loaf of bread looks terrified
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
mathematically impossible
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
The Others (2001)
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s