“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.