Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
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I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.