That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”