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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
It’s an epidemic…
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
synchronized noseblowing
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.