Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
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According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Extremely relatable.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.