My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
My last name is Zilla.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers