[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
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Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
💯😂
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it