I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
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*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
work smarter, not harder
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.