“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
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that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…