Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
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Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was