Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Meanwhile in Canada…
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.