[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
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I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.