[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
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6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.