I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
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I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.