Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
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Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off