It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
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Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
It’s the weekend y’all
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me: