When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.