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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.