Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
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Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?