Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there