Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
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36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*