Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
You Might Also Like
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.