A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
You Might Also Like
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.