reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving