I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
You Might Also Like
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
guys i’ve cracked the code
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
You had me at “define legal”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.