Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email