[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
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*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Accurate
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My chiropractor is a crack addict.