I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
A short story of betrayal:
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’