(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
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“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Breaking news:
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick