me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
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me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
🤣
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.