95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
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Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum