Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
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TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.