With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
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Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move