Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
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Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Me trying to look natural in photos
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even