Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
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Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.