My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
You Might Also Like
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
new year update: losing everything but weight
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.