My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
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Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.