My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
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waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you鈥檙e telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don鈥檛 remember
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they鈥檙e so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let鈥檚 go with a bag
Inventor: but they鈥檒l get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that鈥檚 all most people know how to cook.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
This is a fact based meme 馃槒馃槀
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 馃檨
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It鈥檚 a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It鈥檚 an O. You鈥檙e both blind.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
he鈥檚 sick of your bullshit today
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary