*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Ion see the issue
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Love it! 👍😂
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!