“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.