I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
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Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER