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My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Kermit goes Blue.
I really had high hopes for this year though
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”