me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
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kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.