My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
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I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?