I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
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JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
i baked you a cake
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex: