Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”